Harry Pothead and the Smiffling Moochers
by Miss Moocher
Summary: My take on the hilarious 5th year of HP (He's not really a pothead yet, LOL)This story contains language, flirtation, and gayness^^! If you DON'T like that, DON'T READ IT! It also contains NAKED HARRYNESS!!! R&R You know you want to!
1. 1Dudley's Hungersubt naked harryness

Harry Pothead and the Smiffling Moochers  
  
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Hi Guys, like the title. I know you have NO IDEA what it means, and all I know its this is gonna be one crazy story ^_^ So. this is my first.real. attempt at a Harry potter fan fic, and its not even a real attempt. It's a spoof! Well maybe not a spoof, more like what the Harry Potter story would be like if I was in control, which would be very tragic for poor Harry. Just so you know, I .erm.enjoy some characters more than others.so please cheer these poor fellows on! Harry's gonna need all the help he can get, heh heh *plotting* I don't even LIKE fanfiction.net, why am I here??? Please love, not hate the story ^.^*** R & R and umm.I'm new at this..  
  
Make lots of comments, questions and suggestions. I promise I will heed them! I can fix or add something if you like, especially if it makes it funnier. Um one last warning, my grammar and spelling isn't great, so bear with me! Thank you so much if you end up reading past this point, I hope its funny!  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his little friends aren't mine or made by my creation.unless I decide to stick someone new in here and there. Anyway, they all belong to the Goddess J.K. Rowling, and her Bible-like books, the Harry Potter series. They're all yours J.K. just keep making those great stories!  
  
WARNING: this beginning of this story is a little weird, but I promise it only gets.better?  
  
R&R!  
  
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Harry Potter (Pothead) and the Smiffling Moochers  
  
Chapter 1: Dudley's Hunger  
  
Harry Potter arose suddenly form a cloudy dream. The hair on the back of his neck was standing on end. He felt that something was watching him.. something.. evil. He flung his hand on the bedside table, feeling around for his glasses. But he didn't move his eyes away from the cracked door.  
  
Slowly, the door creaked open, to revel a huge, tremendously ugly monster. Harry shrieked in terror then pressed his glasses to his face. His heart stopped.  
  
"DUDLEY!" Harry yelled. He tried to hide under the covers to protect himself from the gigantic Elephant boy. "I'M NAKED UNDER HERE YOU MOOCHER!" Right after he said that rather loudly, Harry realized maybe he shouldn't have.  
  
Dudley was Harry's cousin. But the boy was so large, it would have been more than appropriate for him to being a large "Wide Load" sign, to avoid his frequent collisions with others. He took a few thundering steps into Harry's room. A glass vase on a nearby shelf, toppled over. A picture frame cracked. Harry's owl hedwig began to hoot in shrill terror, afraid of being eaten.  
  
"I know." Dudley huffed, gasping to refuel and replenish his air supply.  
  
It took Harry a few seconds to realize what the Whale knew.that he was naked. He gasped for dramatic effect, then grabbed his bed sheets, and leaped out of his bed.  
  
"Dudley." he tried to say cautiously, the same way he would talk to a mental patient.  
  
Dudley slowly started stomping his way toward Harry. "I've been watching you," he explained, "all.morning." He stopped, paused, and to Harry's horror, let out an insane grin as he continued. "You roll around a lot when you sleep, y'know."  
  
Harry gasped at his cousin in horror. All summer Harry had caught the Mammoth sneaking long looks at him. But Dudley didn't seem very scared of Harry anymore, like he used to be. Now he just seemed.interested. Harry watched in horror, as Dudley began to lick his lips.  
  
"Du-Dudley," Harry whispered uncertainty, "are you hungry?" Harry hoped to sway Dudley's mind to his former obsession.food.  
  
"Yes!" Huffed Dudley again. He nodded, which made his whole wiggled and jiggle in response.  
  
Harry sighed in relief. So he had been wrong. All his cousin wanted to do was EAT him, that's not quite as bad.  
  
"FOR YOU!" Dudley shouted spontaneously, and started waddling towards Harry at an alarming slow speed. Dudley's eyes were as big as saucers, and his fingers as big as think juicy bratwursts, and they were outstretched towards Harry.  
  
Harry began to panic. He was up against a wall. He could either try to take on Dudley or dart around the room until he wore out Dudley.  
  
Dudley made a grab for Harry. "Choice number three!" Thought Harry.  
  
Dashing over to his trunk, Harry rummaged through it for a ridiculously long time. I mean, how much shit does he got in there? Anyway, he finally found what he needed. His firebolt! (Nunn nun na na nunnunun na nananananaaaaaaa!)  
  
Harry hurried over to the window of his room. Only there was another problem, his bed sheet toga wasn't staying on to well. Dudley was slowly approaching like a rabid drooling fat tortoise.  
  
"Well I've got nothing to lose. but my virginity!" proclaimed Harry as he bean the beat out the screen of the window.  
  
Felling the screen give way, Harry jumped on the broom. Forgetting his toga, Harry bashed his body against the screen, and shoot out the window.  
  
Unfortunately, at that same moment Dudley reached the window. With uncanny accuracy Dudley got a hold of Harry's ankle. Then came a very rude pull, giving Harry got a nasty lurch. With a blast of force Harry wrestled himself from the bed sheet and Dudley's grasp. Spinning out of control, Harry hit his VERY naked body against the hard wooden broomstick rather aggressively  
  
(TEE HEE, take that Harry ^^)  
  
"SHIIIIIT!" Harry hollered out in pain. Harry grabbed his.erm.this story's only rated R right? Ok, you're gonna have to use your imagination here I'm afraid.he grabbed a certain part of his body, and started reciting every cruse word he knew.  
  
Dudley gasped gleefully, for Harry was putting on quite a show. Then it only took 12 feet of air to return the very naked and very in-pain Harry to the ground. His firebolt hovered for a moment wondering what to do. It decided it would be best to bail out, and it landed with a loud "thud" on Harry's.. head.  
  
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So what do you think? You probably think I'm a loony, right? I've already finished chapter 2, but I'll get it typed tomorrow. So tell me what you think ^.^ 


	2. 2More Naked Harryness

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Hey thanks for reading the next chapter of Harry Pothead and the Smiffling moocher. This chapter, like the last one, WILL be pretty weird. But I promise it will get more tolerable, as soon as Harry get some damn clothes (which unfortunately IS NOT this chapter, sorry) NAKED HARRYNESS! O.O! And thank you so much GuMmYbEaR for reviewing, you rock my world. And do anyone else reading, it's you whose making me write this, you crazy moochers! ^________^ I love you people!  
  
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Harry Pothead and the Smiffling Moochers  
  
Chapter 2 - More Naked Harryness  
  
Harry opened his eyes wearily. He prayed that he was in his bed, and that he would open them to see the pasty-white ceiling.  
  
Too bad for Harry. He saw a baby blue sky with sheepish clouds, bristling into view. There was quite a breeze, leaving the very naked Harry with a coat of goose bumps.  
  
Then he remembered he was in pain. He had broken his arm once. He had to regrow the bones back too. He'd watched as his archenemy's evil minion cut his arm open. He'd even has his heart broken into 1,245.6342 x 10^23 pieces when the girl he had been crushing on asked out...CEEEEEEDDRRRIIIIICCCC.  
  
He'd prefer all of that to happen again, instead of feeling what he was right now. BOTH of his heads felt as if they had been stepped on by Dudley and were probably permanently bruised. Not to mention on fire. Wait, why did they feel like they were on fire? He looked down.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!?" he screamed, attempting to move, but giving up as fast as the dense Dudley would have. Little red fire ants were scurrying up and down his body. They started biting him happily. (Yes, eat him my little minions! Eat him! Oh.sorry, moving on with the destruction of Harry.)  
  
"Arrrgggg!" he tried to brush them off. He grabbed onto his broomstick, yelled "GO!" His broomstick proceeded to drag his bruised and bloody body along the front yard.  
  
Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, the front door opened. A grisly man, a horse-jawed bony woman, and the Pillsbury doughboy himself, Dudley, all appeared on the front step.  
  
Dudley was beginning to salivate, his watery eyes fixed on Harry's.well.you know what.  
  
Harry groaned "I'm in a bit of a ." he choked on the words, his voice cracking. "A bit of a pickle right now."  
  
These words made Dudley begin to act very oddly. He began to shift his giant lumber-like legs, and slap his hands together like some sort of seal. You just sit there and picture that for a moment.Harry began to wonder whether or not his aunt and uncle were going to say anything, or if they were enjoying this as much as Dudley was.  
  
Finally, after several minutes of very heavy breathing from Dudley, Uncle Vernon finally said, "Well, seems the boy found something he's good at."  
  
On queue, Aunt Petunia chimed in, "Making people laugh!" She let out a high, shrew laugh. The other two joined in like they'd been holding it in for hours. Then, quite unnecessarily she added, "He should be a clown. Well- I'll get the camera."  
  
"Good show, I'll get the digital!" Responded Uncle Vernon.  
  
"I'll get the video camera!" squealed Dudley, and waddle in with his parents to fetch their tools.  
  
"Oh good," thought Harry, "they're all one little sick family, together." He had to get up; he had to get away from this humiliation. "What moochers!" He thought. "I probably really do look pathetic. Not to mention naked.well this is enough!" Like a sloth he eased himself up, and flew up onto the house's roof.  
  
"Yay," he muttered, "now I can show my business to all the muggles around."  
  
"Not that you have much to show."  
  
Harry's eyes widened as he carefully spun around. There leaning on his own old rickety broom was Harry's best friend Ron Weasley. Ron Weasley was fully clothed.  
  
"Looking good Harry!" said a familiar voice, though at the moment Harry wasn't quite sure which one it was. Circling him, getting a full view were Ron's older twin brothers, George and Fred.  
  
"I'm glad you guys know how to kick a guy when he's-" started Harry  
  
"Way!" commented a twin.  
  
"Very way!" added the other.  
  
"Down" finished Harry.  
  
"Well," started Ron, "Mum was wondering." The three Weasley boys started to snort with laughter.  
  
"What?!" demanded Harry, feeling queasy again, but afraid to let his guard down.  
  
"Nothing," smirked Ron, "We were just picturing mum's face when she sees you."  
  
"When Ginny sees you!" Exploded the twins.  
  
Harry knew he was turning scarlet, among other things. "Well. what was your mum wondering?"  
  
Ron wiped tears from his eyes, "sorry, would you like to stay with us these last few weeks of the summer?"  
  
"Sure." Sighed Harry. "I'll just grab my stuff and get dressed."  
  
"Oh no!" exclaimed Ron, "Fred's already got that handled!" Fred gestured his wand up in a tugging motion to reveal all of Harry's things including Hedwig's cage, levitating in the air.  
  
Harry's mouth hung open. He closed then demanded, "What are you playing at, that's magic!" Meanwhile he noted that Fred was wearing the green polo.  
  
"Very good Harry, you're getting to be so quick! We ARE wizards after all." Replied Fred. With a flick of his wand, Harry's belongings in a neat, stacked pile.  
  
Harry was outraged "you know we are not allowed to do magic before school! How did you get here without being seen?"  
  
All three Weasley brothers nudged each other, smirking. Finally Ron replied, "Haven't you seen the movies Harry? Hermonie never seemed to mind using magic during the summer" Ron's face lit up with a devilish smile.  
  
"What in the hell are you talking about, are you mental?" Fumed a confused, bruised, and very naked Harry.  
  
Ron shook his head. "Never mind." He paused then erupted in laughter, "you're naked!"  
  
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So what to you think? It was a beast to type! Don't worry next chapter involves.. girls.naked harryness.. and girl laughing at Harry! Oh and a bit of blushing on the side! The weirdness gets some new clothes, next chapter. Review! 


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